What even is codependency, and how do we recognize it?
Despite sounding quite straightforward, codependency carries with it a surprising level of nuance. Although codependency is a dynamic that can be present in any type of relationship, I’ll be focusing on how it manifests in romantic relationships in this article.
Definition
Codependent relationships are defined by a distinct imbalance between each partner. Specifically, one individual takes on an “caretaker” role, and forgoes their own needs in order to take care of their partners’ needs. On the flip side, the other individual does not reciprocate their partner’s care and attention to the extent of what they are receiving.
Why is Codependency Problematic?
While it’s normal to rely on your partner and vice versa, codependent relationships do not feature mutual dependence/reliance. One person appeases the other’s needs — even at their own cost.
In fact, it is even the case that the “caretaker” partner is so entrenched in their pursuit to support the other person that they lose their sense of identity or purpose outside of their relationship. Furthermore, since their identity is rooted in being able to care for their partner, codependent individuals can often enable problematic behaviors in order to continue to carry out their role. Meanwhile, the receptive partner is able to blur boundaries and take as much or as little from the relationship as they want to because they know that their partner will sacrifice almost anything to meet their needs.
Each person in a codependent relationship feeds into the unhealthy dynamic. While it may be tempting to see one person as being a victim, the reality is that both partners are acting in ways that are detrimental to the other person so that they can preserve the giver/taker role that they feel most comfortable in. This can be incredibly destructive to both parties, and frequent conflicts can thus lead to chronic heartbreaks in the relationship.
Warning Signs of Codependency
1. Unclear Boundaries
- Boundaries are constantly being bent, overstepped, or changed
- The enabling/caretaking partner will adjust their boundaries to appease the other person
2. Hurtful Dynamics
- A partner stays in the relationship even though they are constantly hurt by the other person’s actions
- No changes or compromises are made to prevent future hurtful interactions from occurring
3. Intense Fear of Abandonment
- The driving force of over-appeasing actions is the fear of breaking up
- A person may sacrifice aspects of their home, work, or school life to have more time/energy to meet their partner’s needs so that they don’t leave
4. Marked One-Sidedness
- One or both partners do not voice their needs or when they feel upset with the other party
- A person may feel guilty about having needs at all in the relationship
5. Loss of Personal Identity
- A partner shapes their whole life around meeting the other person’s wants/needs (e.g. quitting their job, letting them move in, forfeiting time with family/friends)
- They may also alter their own values to stay consistent with the other person’s preferences
There are many other signs and symptoms of codependency that haven’t been covered in this article. It’s also imperative to remember that every relationship is unique, meaning that warning signs may manifest differently in each one. However, understanding the general dynamics present in a codependent relationship is crucial to identifying it in real life examples.
